Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
