Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
