just tell him i said nine months
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm always down for nudity.
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