thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
