I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize