your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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