this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
