God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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