seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
