i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
