I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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