i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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