the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
