Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
