Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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