if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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