yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
