Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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