I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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