I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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