Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize