Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
