even my farts smell like vagina
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
