i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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