I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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