my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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