I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
