I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
