apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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