All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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