The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
