this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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