I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
