i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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