My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
