Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
