i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
