there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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