found the other keg... it's in the tree
His hands were made for my vagina.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
