I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
