He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
