My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize