you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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