Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
