Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
His nipple licking is glorious
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