so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
