And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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