I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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