I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sorry about my life...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
