I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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