I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
