I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
