I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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