my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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