I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
