I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
