so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
