1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Welp...herpes.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
